I’ve been welcoming the abundance of positive relationships into my life. I started this just over a month ago and very shortly after I started asking for positive relationships, an old friend popped back into my life. Let’s call him Tom.
Tom and I met a few years ago through online dating. We went out twice and I realized that the two of us were probably not a good fit. So when he met someone and I met someone at relatively the same time we just decided to be friends instead. It just kind of happened. The thing is, it was an email friendship. We would write paragraphs and paragraphs to each other about anything and everything. He would tell me about his personal and relationship woes. About his work, his daughter, his life, pretty much anything. He told me things that he never told anyone else. I also shared big parts of my life with him. We just kind of clicked.
Then one day about a year ago, I was having a crisis. A pretty big crisis. I desperately needed help. I thought of contacting Tom but then realized he wouldn’t be able to help me. He had never told his girlfriend about me so if I did contact him and he did agree to help he would have to explain to her who I was… This was kind of like an epiphany to me. Very shortly after that I asked him if he would tell his girlfriend about me and he said no. It struck me like a bolt of lightning, I was the other woman.
Tom and I had never had any inappropriate discussions, everything had been kept above board. But we were having an emotional relationship of sorts. I had always just thought of us as friends but then I realized that we were only virtual friends and even though some people are happy with virtual friends, I knew that this wasn’t for me. I didn’t want to be the secret friend. I didn’t want to be the other woman. So I told Tom I couldn’t talk to him any more. He agreed and that was it.
Until about six months later… for some reason I was missing Tom’s emails so I wrote him a quick one line note. Well, that note quickly turned back into a rekindled friendship. I chastised him and he apologized, but nothing changed. He still had no intention of revealing my existence to anyone. Within a few months, I realized that I was an idiot and ended it again.
So about a month ago I heard from Tom. He had broken up with his girlfriend and was single. I was actually happy to hear from him. I missed him and now we could be friends in real life. I felt like this was a good thing. After talking back and forth over the last few years, we finally met in person for the third time. Everything was just like old times, except somewhat better. We got all caught up on each other’s lives and had a great chat. Then we went out again. I asked him to accompany me to my friend’s wedding, he said yes. We even had a discussion about the possibility of dating and he told me he wasn’t ready and that was still cool, I was happy to be friends again.
Flash forward to to yesterday. The wedding is this weekend. He sends me a message first thing in the morning and says “Hey…apologies to you, but I got an offer last night I could not refuse for the weekend…which means, yes, I am reneging on the wedding. ‘Dont’ hate me because I am beautiful!’…sorry, trying to be funny…but then again, that’s just who i am!”. That is just who he is. I already knew that. I already knew that he didn’t value me enough as a person to be a real friend before and it appears that he still doesn’t value me.
So I reacted with my gut. I told him that we had an unhealthy and unbalanced relationship and we shouldn’t talk any more. He agreed. I’m already feeling wishy-washy about my decision though. So I am trying to figure out what I was getting from that relationship that would make it a positive for me. And I’m not really coming up with much. There was the potential for something more, the potential for a new best friend but he always came up short. So I guess I am better off without him in my life.
I find it interesting that he popped back into my life as soon as I started asking for positive relationships though. Maybe the reason why was so that I would know what a positive relationship does not look like.