Taking on 2013 and hoping to revitalize my life

Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ Category

Choices: Pick What’s Under the Box or Behind the Curtain?

Life is full of choices. Sometimes it feels like you don’t have any or that they are being made for you but in those cases you still have choices about how to react to your lack of choice. Even choosing not to choose is making a choice. Remaining at that fork in the road instead of taking one of the paths; standing still is a choice.

Recently I had to make a choice. I weighed the pros and cons of both options and went with the slightly better of the two. I couldn’t not make a choice. I HAD to pick one. But after making a choice there is often the impending second guessing….

I’m trying not to second guess my choice. I’m trying to stick to what I still think is the better option. The problem is that neither option A nor option B were the perfect choice. Is there such a thing as a perfect choice in this game called life? Or is there making the best of a current situation? Both option A and option B showed potential and had different strengths but neither is perfect now. Could my choice be perfect later? Maybe.

I could eventually make a different choice. I’m not forced to be bound by this choice. I could still change my mind or find an option C. So many choices….

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Just Going for It with Paint

I painted a painting today. I know, I find the whole thing weird too.

I’ve been casually looking for an abstract seascape or something like that for over my bed. Right now I just have a blank wall. I’ve only been looking for the past several months (or years if you’re actually keeping track), but I have never found anything that grabbed me enough for me to buy it. Mostly the ones I found were not the shape I was looking for.

So today, I had some time on my hands and I decided to just go for it and see what I could do. Now, I didn’t buy the size canvas I want as I thought I should do a “test” painting first to see how it turned out. So I headed to the Dollar Store and bought paint, a canvas (16×20) and brushes; I think I splurged and spent $8 on supplies. Anyway, I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it, and I’m not sure if I’m going to go for the big canvas or not, but I’m pretty proud of myself for just doing it. I know I won’t be in any galleries any time soon but for a first painting I think it is A-OK.

I’m sure you are wondering where this wondrous painting is, so here it is in all it’s glory 🙂

IMG_20140622_204023Maybe I’ll just go for it and paint something else one of these days. It was fun!

Woo hoo, I’m 45!

I had my birthday over the weekend. Woo hoo, I’m 45!

I don’t feel 45. I wonder if people ever feel their age as they get older. I suppose, on those days when you are creakier than others you probably do. But for me, I still feel like I’m in my 30s.

Some of my friends were organizing a girls night out and it was just the thing I needed on my birthday weekend! The 8 of us had a fantastic time and it was so great to see all of them. We chatted and laughed and drank, it was just what the doctor ordered. My drink of the evening was a waterfall martini and my friend Jess felt the need to keep buying me more. Thanks Jess!!IMG_20140321_224504

And apparently when you are drinking lots of martinis, you feel the need to take bathroom selfies and send them to old boyfriends, lol. Oh well, at least I look pretty good for 45.

So what did I get for my birthday other than lots of martinis?

I got myself new boots and recycled an old boyfriend for my birthday. Sven and I went out a couple of times earlier in the week as friends but last night we went on our first date again. It was good, I like him. Is he a perfect match for me? I doubt it, but maybe we’ll be able to be better together this time. He was on his best behaviour last night and is really trying to make up for some of our previous misunderstandings.

I’m allowed to have fun, I’m not dead yet. I’m only 45.

It Takes a Long Time to REALLY Get to Know Someone

I thought I was a pretty good judge of character. I thought I had a pretty good idea of who Dan was as a person. But this break-up has been an eye opener.

This man told me on a regular basis how much he really liked me. He texted all the time. Drove that 2.5 hour drive way more than I did. Met my kids and I met his. And yet the break-up seemed so out of character with what I would have expected.

He told me before that he was non-confrontational. But this is at a level I have never seen before. So that leads me to believe that it could be one of two things. One, he is so devastated by not being able to deal with the long-distance part of things that he can’t bear to see or talk to me again because it just hurts too much or two, the whole relationship wasn’t really real and now he just wishes I would go away.

They are just such extremes I’m not sure which one it is. Or perhaps it is something that I’m not even aware of now that I have learned that communication is not his strong suit. He could be harbouring any kind of reason that I know nothing of.

I talked to him on Monday night. I’m quite sure the only reason he called me was out of guilt. I haven’t contacted him again until today. I sent him a text to tell him I was going to his town for work. I am, next Tuesday. I asked him if he wanted to see me because I still would like to talk face-to-face. He texted me to tell me he was busy with the kids and would text me later. Later just didn’t come. So obviously I have my answer, he does not want to see me.

This is all just a little hard on my head. Like I said, I thought I knew who he was and I never would have expected this kind of treatment from him. A little bit of common courtesy would have been nice. Anyway, I no longer want to feel like a stalker so I guess I’ll try to let it go. It’s a bit harder than I expected though.

Maybe another man would help me get over him. Did I mention that I have started talking to Sven again this week? I have, we’ve gone out to dinner. There may have been flirting. I know Sven drove me a little crazy but I laid all of my cards on the table and we had a BIG talk. We cleared the air. I don’t expect immediate perfection but I do suspect things will be good for at least a little while.

And hopefully, I’m a better judge of character when it comes to Sven. Even if we aren’t perfect for each other, I hope we’re honest.

You Really Hurt My Feelings

I finally got Dan to talk to me. I had to use guilt but it worked. I told him that he really hurt my feelings. It’s the truth, he really did.

First of all, no one likes it when someone breaks up with them, but when the person does it in such a cowardly way, in such a surprising and cowardly way, it really does hurt your feelings.

I don’t feel any better now that I have had some semblance of an explanation from Dan. He hasn’t been talking to me. He is stressed to the max about money and work and his ex and the long-distanceness of us and he let it get to him. He let it get to him in an unhealthy way that also involved shutting me out.

He made me do the dirty work of saying, “We shouldn’t see each other any more.” But I still feel like he broke up with me. I don’t think I’ll try dating long distance again. It always ends poorly.

I’ll be fine though. I didn’t believe in my heart that this could work out (well I didn’t believe it about 85% worth). I did believe that I could fall in love with Dan if I let it happen. I also saw the warning signs that he would probably break my heart in about 5 – 10 years if I let it happen so I guess it’s for the best that it’s over.

I need someone who can communicate. I’m not the best communicator myself, although I do try. But I really need someone who can talk to me. I guess everyone needs that.

My Life Needs More Adventure

What would happen if I got on a plane tomorrow? What would happen if I called in sick and told my ex I needed him to take the kids for the weekend? What would happen if I just ran away for a few days?

Somewhere warm and tropical and away from here. Just me and a beach and a good book. Maybe some fruity cocktails.

I bet the world wouldn’t fall apart. I bet life would just keep ticking on. Tick, tick, tick.

I wish I was going to do it. But I’m pretty sure I won’t. I’m pretty sure I’ll go into the office just like every other day. My life needs more adventure.

Still Being Grateful

I have been such a slacker with the blog.

I have done some writing but it was on my novel and even that has not been as much as I would like. I don’t seem to have much time for the blog these days. But perhaps we should just blame that on Candy Crush and move on. “Hi, my name is Gwen and I’m addicted to Candy Crush.” It’s a sad, sad thing to say out loud. Eep!

Anyway, now that I have chastised myself, let’s talk about what I have been doing. I have still been doing the 365 days of gratefulness thing. It’s actually fairly easy to find things that I am grateful for every day. The tricky part is either remembering to take a picture or sometimes you can be grateful for stuff that can’t really be photographed.

For example, I’m still not in the practice of always being grateful for the thing while it is happening. I often do a little recap at some point during the day and if that thing is long past, it can’t always be photographed. Or sometimes you can be grateful for music or warm breezes or something that is difficult to capture by photo. So even though it is slightly trickier than I originally thought, it is still totally do-able and I am happy to report that I am doing it.

I hope that some of you are doing it too!

That’s it, that’s the whole blog post. Just a recap more than anything else. I will try to write more, I promise!

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