Taking on 2013 and hoping to revitalize my life

Posts tagged ‘breaking up’

It Takes a Long Time to REALLY Get to Know Someone

I thought I was a pretty good judge of character. I thought I had a pretty good idea of who Dan was as a person. But this break-up has been an eye opener.

This man told me on a regular basis how much he really liked me. He texted all the time. Drove that 2.5 hour drive way more than I did. Met my kids and I met his. And yet the break-up seemed so out of character with what I would have expected.

He told me before that he was non-confrontational. But this is at a level I have never seen before. So that leads me to believe that it could be one of two things. One, he is so devastated by not being able to deal with the long-distance part of things that he can’t bear to see or talk to me again because it just hurts too much or two, the whole relationship wasn’t really real and now he just wishes I would go away.

They are just such extremes I’m not sure which one it is. Or perhaps it is something that I’m not even aware of now that I have learned that communication is not his strong suit. He could be harbouring any kind of reason that I know nothing of.

I talked to him on Monday night. I’m quite sure the only reason he called me was out of guilt. I haven’t contacted him again until today. I sent him a text to tell him I was going to his town for work. I am, next Tuesday. I asked him if he wanted to see me because I still would like to talk face-to-face. He texted me to tell me he was busy with the kids and would text me later. Later just didn’t come. So obviously I have my answer, he does not want to see me.

This is all just a little hard on my head. Like I said, I thought I knew who he was and I never would have expected this kind of treatment from him. A little bit of common courtesy would have been nice. Anyway, I no longer want to feel like a stalker so I guess I’ll try to let it go. It’s a bit harder than I expected though.

Maybe another man would help me get over him. Did I mention that I have started talking to Sven again this week? I have, we’ve gone out to dinner. There may have been flirting. I know Sven drove me a little crazy but I laid all of my cards on the table and we had a BIG talk. We cleared the air. I don’t expect immediate perfection but I do suspect things will be good for at least a little while.

And hopefully, I’m a better judge of character when it comes to Sven. Even if we aren’t perfect for each other, I hope we’re honest.

You Really Hurt My Feelings

I finally got Dan to talk to me. I had to use guilt but it worked. I told him that he really hurt my feelings. It’s the truth, he really did.

First of all, no one likes it when someone breaks up with them, but when the person does it in such a cowardly way, in such a surprising and cowardly way, it really does hurt your feelings.

I don’t feel any better now that I have had some semblance of an explanation from Dan. He hasn’t been talking to me. He is stressed to the max about money and work and his ex and the long-distanceness of us and he let it get to him. He let it get to him in an unhealthy way that also involved shutting me out.

He made me do the dirty work of saying, “We shouldn’t see each other any more.” But I still feel like he broke up with me. I don’t think I’ll try dating long distance again. It always ends poorly.

I’ll be fine though. I didn’t believe in my heart that this could work out (well I didn’t believe it about 85% worth). I did believe that I could fall in love with Dan if I let it happen. I also saw the warning signs that he would probably break my heart in about 5 – 10 years if I let it happen so I guess it’s for the best that it’s over.

I need someone who can communicate. I’m not the best communicator myself, although I do try. But I really need someone who can talk to me. I guess everyone needs that.

I Should Have Known Better

So Dan and I broke up unexpectedly this weekend. At least it was unexpected for me.

A few weeks ago we made plans to go away this weekend. It was going to be quick little overnight but just something to get us out of town and away from everything. In fact, he told me he was going to take Friday afternoon off so he could get to my place earlier and we could leave earlier.

A couple of weeks ago, Dan and I started texting just the tiniest bit less. Then about a week ago I asked him if everything was all right as it seemed like I was hearing from him less. He said things were fine, just that he was really missing me. ‘Aw, how sweet,’ you’re thinking. And I thought that too.

We haven’t been able to connect in person for the past two weeks, the longest since we started going out. Things just didn’t come together as planned. I expected this at some point as I have tried long-distance dating before. Apparently Dan was unaware of how difficult things might be. In addition to this, I guess he had a bad week. Although I wouldn’t really know since he kind of stopped talking to me about stuff like that. I was oblivious and still thought we were going away this weekend.

On Friday morning I texted him and said, “I hope that you are still coming up tonight”. No response. At 2pm I messaged him again. This time he wrote back that he’d been really busy with work, things were going wrong and his brother wanted to come visit. I replied back and asked what that meant. No response. Then I told him I was done work and heading home. No response. Finally I texted that I wish I wasn’t talking to myself. He wrote back, “I’m sorry. I’m trying to do 6 things at once and it’s not going great.” I asked if he was still coming to my place. No response. I offered to drive to his place for the weekend instead. He gave a non-answer and basically said he was having a bad day and that his place was a mess. I read between that lines and said, “So you don’t want me to go there and you’re not coming here. Got it.” He said,”Please don’t take offence it’s just been a bad few days. I’m sorry.”

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that. Everything cancelled at the 11th hour and I had no idea it was coming. Needless to say, I took some offence. I didn’t reply then. Last night, at 1am, I replied after I hadn’t heard from him in more than 24 hours, which never happens. I basically said that I couldn’t believe that I was writing to him first and why didn’t he call me to explain what had happened since he didn’t explain it in his note.

He replied at 10:51 this morning with a sorry that he didn’t call. He explained a bit (as much as you can in a text message) that he had had a crappy week and nothing went right. Then he said that one of the hardest things is dealing with the long distance thing. He thought he would be able to handle it better but it’s been difficult. Then he said he was busy and would call later.

Let me just state that by this time I am really not happy. So I sent him a long email saying that I was a little angry that he hadn’t talked to me about what was going on. I gave him my perspective and then waited for a response. When I still hadn’t gotten a call 3.5 hours later I just decided to send the break up email. I figured why should I wait for him to do it..

My schedule is only going to get worse over the next several months since the ex is going to be travelling so much. If we can’t make the long distance thing work now, there is no way we are going to make it work two months or even one month from now.

I’m disappointed in how things turned out. I really thought that we could at least get to this summer and evaluate things then. I guess not.

Dating as a grown woman with kids is hard. Dating someone else who has kids and lives 2.5 hours away is ridiculous. I should have known better.

My First Time Wasn’t Pretty

I decided to look up an old boyfriend on FaceBook. A discussion with Dan reminded me of him the other day so I wanted to see what he was up too, let’s call him G.

This boyfriend was from many lifetimes ago. We were both university students, we took a lot of classes together, he had a big crush on me (while I was slightly less infatuated), and he was my first. He wasn’t a good first, we were both virgins and it was very fast, but he was my first.

There’s a bit of a story surrounding this one. It’s not a pretty story. First of all, when we lost our virginity we were not actually dating anymore. We never had sex while we were dating. I wasn’t interested in having sex with G. My plan had been to save my first time for someone I was in love with. Sometimes plans don’t work out…

Anyway, we were still friends. G still liked me. I made plans to stay with him one night and we went out to party (He lived in the city, I was home with my parents for the summer). I got extremely intoxicated. He also had lots to drink. As I can still vividly recall, 20+ years later, I can see in my mind’s eye, not being able to walk down the yellow line in the middle of the road on the walk back to his place.

I have no recollection of how we ended up naked in bed together but I do recall the actual act. I do recall that it was consensual even though I was too drunk to make good decisions. And I do recall my immediate response of “that’s it?”. I also recall physically kicking him out of bed. OMG, obviously it was not a good first experience for either of us. But just wait, it gets worse.

Then, when I woke up the next day, I was pretty horrified with what had happened. So, while he was in the shower, I grabbed my stuff and bolted. Pretty much a running version of the “walk of shame”.

Back in those days, we didn’t have cell phones (how did we manage?) so I didn’t hear from him until I got back to my parent’s house at the end of the weekend. (I had plans with other friend’s for the next night.)

When he called me, I wasn’t overly gracious. I was still horrified that I had lost my virginity to someone I wasn’t dating, didn’t love and was so drunk that my decision-making skills were obviously impaired. I kind of let him have it. After several minutes of discussion that involved me exclaiming how could he not know how drunk I was, we got to the point where I said, “If we never had sex while we were dating, why would you think I wanted to have sex with you when we weren’t?”.

Needless to say, I didn’t hear from G again after that phone call.

Now, let’s get back to the present. I looked G up on FaceBook yesterday. And there he is with multiple pictures of him and his boyfriend. Yes, he is in an openly gay relationship. I mean good for him for coming out of the closet.

He had some slightly effeminate mannerisms when we knew each other but G actively pursued me so I really had no idea that he was gay. I have to wonder if our less than optimal copulation and after-effects helped crack that closet door open.

I don’t hold any ill-will towards G. I was 20 years old and my sub-conscience did not want to be a virgin any more. I met someone else that summer who I dated and had sober, consensual sex with. Several times. And I wasn’t in love with him. And he taught me some stuff ;).

But now that I know that the first guy I ever slept with is gay, it makes the whole memory and incident all the more baffling and slightly ridiculous. And for some reason it makes me smile and shake my head with disbelief. I actually felt a little bad for the way that I treated him afterwards. He obviously cared for me and I made him feel like crap. He also made a poor decision while under the influence of alcohol. 

Anyway, it was all a very long time ago and yet just a short walk down memory lane. The new information adds an interesting layer to the story. I’m almost curious enough to hear his perspective of the whole thing. Almost.

Ex-boyfriend Tweet

I was looking at Sven’s twitter account over the weekend and this is what I found:

tweet

 

It was in reference to this t-shirt:

catboyfriend

Do you think he was talking about me and the fact that I just broke up with him????

 

My Head is Spinning

This has been a whirlwind of a week. The kind that both drags a little and makes your head spin at the same time.

Here’s a quick recap:

I broke up with Sven on Monday. It was actually a bit harder than I expected. He seemed fairly surprised, made a bit of an attempt to make things better but in the end I think he might have been relieved that he had one less person complicating his life. We left the door wide open for future discussions, once he gets his life together, but overall it seems to have been the right decision.

I met Dan for the first time on Monday. He drove 2 hours to see me, we went out for dinner, and then a drive (almost hit a deer) and then I kissed him good night to stop his nervous chatting. I don’t know why he was so nervous, first date jitters I guess. I wasn’t really nervous at all, probably because I have done the whole first date thing many, many times. Anyway, things went really well and we made plans for Wednesday night.

Tuesday night I played badminton – yay!!

The 2nd date with Dan (on Wednesday) also went well. We got some donairs and watched a movie at my place. He told me his life story and apparently this is the break up of his 2nd marriage – eep. In spite of him now having 2 strikes, in my 3 strike policy, we had a great time.

Dan was not the only person I had been chatting with online and I also had plans to meet someone different on Wednesday night to play pool.  However, I hadn’t heard from this other guy for several days so I just figured it was off. This happens ALL OF THE TIME  in the online dating world. You just stop hearing from people and since I hadn’t talked to the guy since the weekend, I just figured it was not happening. However, he messaged me while I was out with Dan, apparently I stood him up. Oops!

Thursday night was quiet, a nice break after my busy week so far. I called my Mom and she told me that she is going to Australia this Spring!!! Wha??? That made my head spin with thoughts that I should go to Australia with my Mom. Did I mention that Dan and I had already been discussing a get-away down South within the next couple of months? I know, who makes plans to go down south with someone they just met? They weren’t solid plans, just the beginning of discussions. Both of us are itching to go somewhere and both of us need someone to go with. However, the whole Australia thing makes me think about going there with Mom. (and maybe Dan…)

Yesterday at work, these arrived for me in the middle of our staff meeting:

bouquet

My face was so red when the CEO gave them to me. I was both shocked and pleased to say the least. No one has bought flowers for me in a very long time. Dan just earned some brownie points. 

Dan and I went out again last night and we are seeing each other again today :). I’m going to renew my passport next week. My head is still spinning and everything seems a little surreal. Things will be back to normal crazy once I get the kids back next week though.

But I need to make a decision, very soon, about a little excursion to Australia.

New Guy In, Old Guy Out

I broke up with Sven yesterday, it was time. He’s a great guy, we have stuff in common and I like him, but we just don’t have enough in common to make it work. I know no one is surprised by this revelation. I’ve been talking about breaking up with him for ages.

However, he has not taken the break-up as an actual break-up, he has taken it more as an opportunity to make some changes based on feedback. He has been texting me more today than he has in ages.

The thing is, we had a big talk the last time we were together and I told him that I wanted to see more of him. He told me he needed his “alone” time.

When I told him that based on that discussion we weren’t looking for the same thing, he said he didn’t realize we were having “that” talk at the time. So apparently in his mind, he’s willing to see more of me if he has to in order for us to keep dating. Or at least that is how it comes across to me. I know he needs “alone” time, I get that. But I need more together time. So as you can see, not enough in common to make this work.

On the other hand, I have met someone else. I’m sure you are wondering how I met someone else when I just broke up with Sven yesterday. Well, I have been browsing the online dating site for a while since I had been planning to break up with Sven since before Christmas. I started chatting with Dan (not his real name) 9 days ago. I actually kind of blew him off at first since he lives 2 hours away from me. I don’t do well with the long distance thing. It really affects your ability to see each other often. However, he asked me the right question, about travel, and then we were chatting.

We actually met for the first time last night. Yes, the same night I broke up with Sven. So my conscience is clear in that I was not trying to date two guys at the same time.

And as for Dan, he is awesome so far. Both of us want to do more travelling so that is a plus. He is super easy to talk to. Things just seem easy (but we have only met once so we’ll see how long that stands). He drove 2 hours to meet me for the first time on a Monday night and he is doing the same thing tomorrow night because he wants to see me again. He says he doesn’t mind the drive. I have no idea how long that is going to last but we’re just seeing where things go and taking one day at a time.

Did I mention that he’s awesome?

 

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