Taking on 2013 and hoping to revitalize my life

Posts tagged ‘divorce’

Old Boyfriends and New Miracles

I reached out to an old boyfriend today.

I’ve thought of him many times over the past 5 years. I’ve thought about how my life would have been different if I had made the decision not to try to work things out with my husband. I don’t think my old boyfriend and I would still be together even though he was in love with me. I was still in love with my ex-husband and I think that would have been hard on a new relationship. Or maybe I’m wrong, maybe my boyfriend’s love would have healed my heart sooner. Maybe his love was strong enough to sustain us until I was ready to move on.

It doesn’t matter though. I chose my ex-husband and broke my boyfriend’s heart.

When I messaged him today, it wasn’t to try to re-kindle an old flame, although I wouldn’t have been opposed to getting to know each other again. I just wanted to know how he’s doing. I wanted to see if he had found someone new and was happy. You see, I only have fond memories of him and I was just hoping that he’s found happiness.

It turns out that he has, but he also still holds some negative feelings towards me. Eep. I was hoping we could be friends at this point in our life but that is not to be.

I think the reason that I reached out to him is that I have men that I have dated and have broken up with asking me out again even though it didn’t work out for some reason or another. It just got me thinking about this ex and wondering what had happened to him. We didn’t break up because there was a conflict, we broke up because I decided to get back together with my ex-husband. Things were going great with the boyfriend prior to that decision.

Dating is hard. So I guess that is why I had someone who I used to date ask me out again today. I had to tell him no, that we weren’t a good fit, so we decided to be friends instead, but he isn’t the first guy to do this. As a matter of fact, he is the third guy this year that I used to date before asking me out again even though we broke up. And there are also 2 other guys that I told after meeting them once that I only want to be friends with them but they keep hinting for something more.

You’d think this would be good. I’m flush with men so what is so damn hard? The problem is that they aren’t the right men. I just need one guy who is the right guy. That is the hard part.

So I’m wishing for a miracle in 2014. A love miracle. And I need you guys to send some positive vibes out into the universe for me. I’m looking for a reciprocal, romantic, loving relationship. One where I love him and he loves me.

That sounds reasonable, right? So help a girl out. Help me manifest my new love in 2014. He doesn’t have to be perfect, he just needs to be perfect for me.

“We Need to Talk” or 3 Lessons Learned

We Need to Talk My ex left a message on my phone today, “We need to talk.”. How is it that those 4 simple words can strike fear into the heart of anyone who hears them?

When I listened to that message my mind immediately went to a worst-case scenario which was that he wanted to tell me that he was getting engaged or to finalize our divorce.

Upon reflection, I want to know why that is my worst-case scenario, I mean I’m supposed to be over him, right? It’s been 12 years since we started having trouble and 3 1/2 years since we separated the 2nd time… how is this my worst fear realized? Sigh… I know that a part of me will always love him but I am so ready to move on. I’m tired of being alone and would like to have a new partner in life. A better partner, one that will stick with me to the end.

Anyway, he was not calling to tell me that. He was calling to tell me that he is having issues that are health-related in nature, nothing life threatening or that really concerns me but he thought that I should know. I offered an ear in case he wanted to talk but that’s it. Business as usual.

So based on today’s events, I have 3 lessons learned:

  1. People should not use the words “we need to talk” ever. It just makes the recipient of those words think bad things.
  2. My ex getting engaged or us finalizing our divorce is not actually a worst-case scenario for me.
  3. Sometimes my subconscious state is a little slow to catch up to my conscious state.

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