Taking on 2013 and hoping to revitalize my life

Posts tagged ‘end of a marriage’

A Poem About Searing Pain and a Broken Heart

I’ve started reading a blog called Lessons from the End of a Marriage and it made me consider whether I want to get into the details of the end of my marriage as it relates to how I ended up here. I don’t think I do.

I’ve told that story many times and it’s no longer cathartic, it’s just an old story that has a sad ending. But that isn’t my ending. I don’t have an ending yet. I have loads more living to do and this blog is about Revitalizing Me, not about dredging up mostly healed wounds.

However, I do want to share a sad poem. I wrote it just over 10 years ago when my youngest was 7 weeks old and my husband left me for the first time. I don’t want to share it because I want to rehash old hurts. I want to share it because I think it is good. It is raw and full of pain. Poems are supposed to evoke emotions and I think this one does that.

I’d love your feedback, I’d like to know if it makes you feel anything. Feel free to comment and thanks for reading it.

 

I awake

Roused from slumber by a small, hungry child

My child

Who at 7 weeks has just slept through 8 hours for the first time

I stumble to the bathroom to get a cloth

She needs to be changed

I don’t want to get up but it’s my job

It’s what I signed up for when I decided to have this child.

 

The pain crashes over me like a tidal wave

It rips through my body and brings new tears to my eyes

Tears that burn

All I can feel is the pain

It is so intense that I can’t remember how I felt before it started

I can’t remember the anger, the fighting

It all seems so insignificant compared to the pain.

 

My child suckles at my breast

She is sated

She falls asleep again with that little half-smile on her lips

The smile that says she is full, content

She doesn’t know what lies ahead

What decisions are being made for her

The innocent child

My innocent children.

 

The pain rips at me anew

It is fresh, overwhelming and all powerful

I struggle to compose myself

I am in survival mode

I need to be strong for my children

When all I want to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep

Numbing sleep

Sleep that is oblivious to the pain

I’ve used the term “survival mode” before

To describe things between my husband and me

I was wrong, I wasn’t even close.

 

I can’t recall the past

What was said, what was done

Who was hurt

It doesn’t matter

It doesn’t compare to how I feel now

The searing through my body that barely allows me to breathe

The constant despair

The knowledge that my husband despises me so much that it conquers his pain

That his hatred, apathy, confusion conquers his heart and mind and his only decision is to leave

Leave not only me but his two beautiful children

His 3 year old who is so much like he used to be

Impulsive, loving, bursting with life

His 7 week old who hasn’t even let us see who she will be yet

What personality will emerge.

 

He says they’ll adjust

Children of separation, divorce

I can’t see any other conclusion

He doesn’t want to investigate, examine, determine what went wrong

He just wants to flee

My blinding pain is of no consequence

The way it envelopes me

The pain that emerges from 13 years of trust, love, companionship, friendship, tenderness, passion, commitment

A love that I can still feel underneath all of the pain

A commitment that I made until Death Do Us Part

A commitment that we would raise our children together, in the same home

That they could feel the strength in our love

That they could feel safe in our fortress, our family unit

That wasn’t supposed to crumble

To give way.

 

The pain envelopes me

I’m afraid of who it will make me

I’m afraid it will take a piece of my soul.

 

 

 

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