I’ve started reading a blog called Lessons from the End of a Marriage and it made me consider whether I want to get into the details of the end of my marriage as it relates to how I ended up here. I don’t think I do.
I’ve told that story many times and it’s no longer cathartic, it’s just an old story that has a sad ending. But that isn’t my ending. I don’t have an ending yet. I have loads more living to do and this blog is about Revitalizing Me, not about dredging up mostly healed wounds.
However, I do want to share a sad poem. I wrote it just over 10 years ago when my youngest was 7 weeks old and my husband left me for the first time. I don’t want to share it because I want to rehash old hurts. I want to share it because I think it is good. It is raw and full of pain. Poems are supposed to evoke emotions and I think this one does that.
I’d love your feedback, I’d like to know if it makes you feel anything. Feel free to comment and thanks for reading it.
Roused from slumber by a small, hungry child
Who at 7 weeks has just slept through 8 hours for the first time
I stumble to the bathroom to get a cloth
She needs to be changed
I don’t want to get up but it’s my job
It’s what I signed up for when I decided to have this child.
The pain crashes over me like a tidal wave
It rips through my body and brings new tears to my eyes
Tears that burn
All I can feel is the pain
It is so intense that I can’t remember how I felt before it started
I can’t remember the anger, the fighting
It all seems so insignificant compared to the pain.
My child suckles at my breast
She is sated
She falls asleep again with that little half-smile on her lips
The smile that says she is full, content
She doesn’t know what lies ahead
What decisions are being made for her
The innocent child
My innocent children.
The pain rips at me anew
It is fresh, overwhelming and all powerful
I struggle to compose myself
I am in survival mode
I need to be strong for my children
When all I want to do is curl up in my bed and go to sleep
Sleep that is oblivious to the pain
I’ve used the term “survival mode” before
To describe things between my husband and me
I was wrong, I wasn’t even close.
I can’t recall the past
What was said, what was done
Who was hurt
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t compare to how I feel now
The searing through my body that barely allows me to breathe
The constant despair
The knowledge that my husband despises me so much that it conquers his pain
That his hatred, apathy, confusion conquers his heart and mind and his only decision is to leave
Leave not only me but his two beautiful children
His 3 year old who is so much like he used to be
Impulsive, loving, bursting with life
His 7 week old who hasn’t even let us see who she will be yet
What personality will emerge.
He says they’ll adjust
Children of separation, divorce
I can’t see any other conclusion
He doesn’t want to investigate, examine, determine what went wrong
He just wants to flee
My blinding pain is of no consequence
The way it envelopes me
The pain that emerges from 13 years of trust, love, companionship, friendship, tenderness, passion, commitment
A love that I can still feel underneath all of the pain
A commitment that I made until Death Do Us Part
A commitment that we would raise our children together, in the same home
That they could feel the strength in our love
That they could feel safe in our fortress, our family unit
That wasn’t supposed to crumble
To give way.
The pain envelopes me
I’m afraid of who it will make me
I’m afraid it will take a piece of my soul.