Life is full of choices. Sometimes it feels like you don’t have any or that they are being made for you but in those cases you still have choices about how to react to your lack of choice. Even choosing not to choose is making a choice. Remaining at that fork in the road instead of taking one of the paths; standing still is a choice.
Recently I had to make a choice. I weighed the pros and cons of both options and went with the slightly better of the two. I couldn’t not make a choice. I HAD to pick one. But after making a choice there is often the impending second guessing….
I’m trying not to second guess my choice. I’m trying to stick to what I still think is the better option. The problem is that neither option A nor option B were the perfect choice. Is there such a thing as a perfect choice in this game called life? Or is there making the best of a current situation? Both option A and option B showed potential and had different strengths but neither is perfect now. Could my choice be perfect later? Maybe.
I could eventually make a different choice. I’m not forced to be bound by this choice. I could still change my mind or find an option C. So many choices….
January was supposed to be about dreaming for me and I’ve been dreaming about going on vacation. It started with talks of going down south and then morphed into discussing a trip to Australia. But as it gets closer to making a decision, I think that Australia probably isn’t going to happen.
I just got my ex’s work schedule for the next several months and it would appear that he has the market cornered on travel. That means that I have my kids most of the time for May, June and July and it also means that I have to save at least a couple of weeks of my vacation for the summer. Since I only have 3 weeks of vacation, I don’t think I can make the long trek to Australia this year.
It hasn’t been 100% decided, but I think it is probably 75% decided that it is a ‘no go’. It doesn’t mean that I can’t go anywhere. I can still make plans for a week down south in-between my ex’s frequent work jaunts. And I think I can probably get creative with some long weekends in there. Or even regular weekends. We live in a beautiful area and a few hours drive will take us to other beautiful areas.
And if you are exploring with a great companion, it will still be fun.
So Dan and I have seen quite a bit of each other in the last week and a half. (Surprising since he lives 2 hours away from me.) I don’t see how we can sustain the frequency though. But I have decided that I would rather spend some time missing someone I really like than breaking up with him and not having anyone to miss.
Yup, I said it. I really like him. And he really likes me. However, he is insecure about me. He keeps thinking I’m going to tell him that I’m not interested. I guess I’m to blame. I told him right from the start that long distance dating doesn’t work for me. And then I also told him that I haven’t dated anyone for longer than 5 months since the end of my marriage. Perhaps there is such a thing as too much honesty. But what it the point of not telling?
So whether it is what I’ve said or whether he is just insecure or a little bit of both, now I have to try to reassure him that I do like him. I don’t mind though. And hopefully, this is just a phase. Although he did tell me that at around 4.5 months he’s going to start worrying.
Dan and I have really connected. I have not felt this way about anyone in a long time. And apparently everyone is teasing him at work that his feet haven’t hit the ground since he met me. I think he’ll probably meet my kids soon. I can’t really avoid it if I want to see him lots, and I do. It’ll be a bit longer before I meet his. They’re quite a bit younger and I won’t be going to his place as much as he comes here but I’m quite sure I’ll meet them at some point.
This is so different for me. I’m not used to dating someone where I can see a potential future. It’s a nice change of pace. Oh, and by the way, I deleted my profile off the online dating site. I don’t think I need it any more. At least not for now, lol.
Today, I screwed up. You know, one of those stupid mistakes that you kick yourself for afterwards?
Lemon (Photo credit: Moyan_Brenn)
I was at Costco at lunchtime, and rushing so I would be back to work in a timely manner. I unloaded my stuff into my trunk and as soon as I slammed the trunk shut I realized my mistake.
Of course you already know where my keys were. I’m not the first person to make that bone-headed mistake and I won’t be the last either.
I weighed my options. First I thought about calling a friend and asking them to drive me to my house, I decided against that one as I would ultimately be using at least an hour of their time in order for them to do me a big favour. The other options were grabbing a cab to my daughter’s school to get her house key and then to my house to get the spare car keys and then cabbing back to Costco OR calling the local locksmith. It turned out that both options would cost me around $60 so I opted for the locksmith.
During my wait time, the voices inside my head were quick to kick me when I was down and tell me how stupid I was. However, that was when I decided to make a choice not to let them have a free-for-all. I decided that what was done was done, I couldn’t change it, only wait for the fix that was coming shortly. I had gotten myself into a mess but had promptly rescued myself as well. It did take a few minutes for those voices to settle down but I WAS ABLE TO CHOOSE not to berate myself.
I tried to take an even bigger positive approach and see if I could figure out the top 10 things about locking your keys in your trunk… I could only come up with one, having a lot of free time all of a sudden. So even though I couldn’t turn lemons into 10 glasses of lemonade, what I did do was take the lemons and do something else entirely.
I took the lemons and traded them in for something more palatable, perhaps not delicious, juicy mango but something like a nice, crisp apple. Something that didn’t go to the extreme positive but didn’t leave me with a sour look on my face either.
I like it when I get to choose the thoughts in my head.
I was hanging out with my sister and Mom yesterday and something interesting happened. A car pulled into the yard (it’s kind of a big yard) and the people in the car just sat there looking around.
Well my sister automatically assumed that these people were disparaging the way things looked in the yard now compared to how they looked a few years ago. And my Mom kind of jumped on the bandwagon a bit by putting negative words into these people’s mouths. We had no way of knowing what these people were thinking nor did we have any idea who they were. Eventually they went on their way.
The interesting thing that happened was the thing that I said. I said “why would you assume that they are saying negative things? Maybe they are saying something nice.” My sister (who reads my blog) was pretty proud of me and the fact that I looked at things from a positive perspective. And I was pretty surprised at the fact that I didn’t just jump on the bandwagon but actually spoke up and said that there was no reason to assume they were thinking negative things, they could have just as easily been thinking something positive.
Sometimes being happier is about changing your perspective and your attitude. I really think that I have made progress in this part of my life.
Recently, I’ve been spending a lot of time trying out some of the different methods of Energy Healing that are out there today. I guess it all started when I began looking into meditation, then I came across a project called Heal Your Life which was doing intro videos to things like Qi Gong, Tapping, Chakra healing, smile healing, etc. I tried out several but my favourite had to do with the chakras. I think part of the reason why is that the chakras have been around for a long time and are also part of the meditation program that I’m trying to master.
English: Chakra picture produced by AuraStar2000TM bio-energy sensor (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There are 7 chakras and each chakra affects different parts of your life. Chakras are thought to be centres of life force or energy. You can have open/ strong or closed/ weak chakras and each chakra can act independently from one another or they can work together. Of course they are most powerful when they are all strong and working together. When your chakras are strong or open, it is easier for good things to come into your life.
Based on the little bit of experimenting that I have done, my chakras are a mess, lol. But I think that the work I have done in the past 8 months has made some moderate improvements in them. I feel like that things are starting to head in the right direction for me.
I’m know I’m getting a little hippy-ish with talk of energy healing but I really believe that there are some viable options out there in terms of alternative medicine. Most of these forms of energy healing are based in ancient far East traditions and religions. They have been around for thousands of years. So who am I to dispute energy healing and meditation as methods to living a happier, more abundant life?
I have been practising an Abundance Mantra for several months now and I feel that it is helping me. Even if you don’t believe in energy healing or meditation you can’t dispute that focusing on the positive aspects of life is healthier than focusing on the negative.
If you spend all of your time enveloped in the negative, it doesn’t take long for you to develop a pretty negative opinion of everything and life itself. If you focus on the positive (which is sometimes difficult to do) then you have a greater chance to see opportunities that are presented to you, you have a healthier outlook on life and you are a happier person in general.
I know that some days I complain about my life and the fact that I have been unemployed for 10 months but the fact is that I have been on a great journey during this time which probably would not have been possible if I had been working and stressed like in my previous job. And that journey has led me to explore energy healing and I kind of like it. Maybe you should check it out too.
I feel like I am always waiting to be good enough.
I’ll just read one more article on the topic before I can speak intelligently about it. I’ll just research one more piece of information before I can make a decision. I’ll just get one more opinion before I can decide if this is the right path for me.
I have never felt like the expert. I undervalue my worth, my knowledge and my experience. I know that part of this comes from being a woman. Rochelle Schieck is quoted in Lisa Bloom’s book, think, as saying,”One of the most paralyzing things for a woman is her doubt.” and I believe that for me, this is true. I’m concerned that this is coming through in my job interviews. I feel like I’m a jack of many trades and a master of none. And perhaps my insecurity leaks into my interviews when it should not. When I should be proving that I am the best candidate for the job.
books (Photo credit: brody4)
My insecurity presents itself in other ways too. Recently, I have been mulling over book topic ideas. And again, I feel like I could write a little bit about a lot of subjects but not enough for a complete book. I know that I can always research the rest but it is nice to have a solid foundation. So I end up with a bunch of possible ideas and nothing that calls to me or presents itself as the best option. In the past I would have given up at this point, feeling overwhelmed and not up for the task.
But this month is different, at least as far as the book idea goes, for this month I am writing. I am just going to write each day on whatever topic I like. Much of this writing will become future blog posts, but I also plan to start attacking some of my book ideas by putting actual words on paper. I plan on fleshing out some stories, I plan on getting involved in the writing community that I have joined, and I plan on doing instead of thinking.
I may not know how to write a book and I may not know how to get it published but I do know how to write a sentence and that is enough for today. I AM enough and I can do this.